Anjushri (Armine) Alioto attended a thirty-day solitary retreat at the Dharma Protector Chapel at the Holy Vajrasana Temple and Retreat Center near Sanger, California in October 2023. Although she had the use of a tent set up next to the Chapel that did provide lantern light for late reading and journaling, she slept and spent most of her time practicing her Dharma in the Chapel. I would see her come down to the temple to use the bathroom and saw Froggie take her bento boxes and that was it. This is her story.
What I Learned on a Thirty-day Solitary Silent Retreat at The Holy Vajrasana Temple and Retreat Center in Sanger, California
Sunrise. Sunset. Coyotes howl as they chase prey. Fear arises from the prey. Frenzied howling reaches a crescendo. Then silence. Pop-pop in the distance. Mournful howls from the pack who had lost one of their loved ones. The predator had become the prey. This scene repeated itself with each sun setting and rising.
Why would anyone want to spend 30 days alone in silence in a tent and yurt, in a sleeping bag, without electricity, phone, computer, running water, flush toilet or talking with anyone?
Do not believe in appearances.
The Daily Rhythm
Following the rhythms of the sun and moon, I did my daily dharma practice. I had little sense of time passing. No clock. No electricity. Living moment to moment. The mind quieted, thereby opening the mind and opening the heart. Sense perception expanded beyond what is ordinarily experienced.
I entered the retreat with only my karmic conditions. Everyone has a different experience. I received exactly what I needed at the time. I had heard about experiences from others who had made their retreat journey. Everyone had a different experience that was meaningful specifically for them. I listened, then tried to let go of the stories I had heard and not anticipate what “might” happen. After all, this was my spiritual journey, my karma coming together and manifesting the fruits from past conditions. One of the benefits of a silent secluded retreat is that it allows time for the mind to rest in an open manner, still and tranquil. And in this space of quietness, insights occur.
What I Learned
What I learned was actually very simple, yet profound. What unfolded was a life changing experience that had practical implications for me to apply to my daily dharma practice. It was like the experience of reading or hearing the discourses of H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III when you gain a new insight or understanding of the dharma. There was a sense of cutting through the entanglements, and freedom from entrapments. No action was needed. No effort. Just a falling away naturally. Realization revealed what has always been there.
My experience during the 30-day silent retreat was like the experience of reading a holy discourse. The experience can be understood on various levels depending on your karmic conditions, understanding and affinity. There is realization on a mundane level and on a super-mundane level. Today, I would like to share with you what I learned about creating the conditions that have benefited me while at the temple on a silent retreat, and also at home. Hopefully, this will help you in building or enhancing your own daily home dharma practice.
- Do not have expectations as to what you think will or should happen during a 30-day silent retreat or while doing a home practice. You enter the retreat with nothing other than your karma.
- Make an intention for the day. It is important to direct your focus.
- Chant gratitude to the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas.
- Make offerings.
- Do your daily dharma practice.
- Introspect about your shortcomings. I found this aspect of daily cultivation to be very useful for purification.
- Be aware of your habitual tendencies. See where the mind goes and what the mind attaches itself to.
- Rest your mind. Less thoughts and more openness to the present moment, directing your focus to your chanting, offerings, reflections and meditation.
- Keep a journal.
Gratitude
I have deep gratitude for H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III for teaching us how to cultivate and correct ourselves. Self-correcting my behavior helps me to purify myself and thereby helps in saving others from the suffering of repeated birth and death. Teaching us this lesson about conduct-cultivation was His purpose for manifesting on earth at this time in the dharma ending age.
Life Changing
Why was this retreat so life changing? Because being alone with no distraction other than my mind, I found that I was able to introspect and contemplate more deeply on the teachings of H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III, and how to cultivate and self-correct in a personal way. It became obvious to me what actions I needed to correct in my daily behavior to become more like a causal stage Bodhisattva. In a very practical and down to earth way, I was able to see more clearly when my behavior was not in alignment: To be aware of habitual behavior that was not correct, careless things I said without thinking, thoughts that were negative or hurtful, feelings of anxiety or worry, behavior that was unskillful. Basically, all my ordinary feelings, thoughts, speech, actions and shortcomings became glaringly obvious as to their attachments in building a sense of self. This new knowing was on full display.
What Next?
When the 30 days were over, I hesitated to leave the solitude of the Dharma Protector Chapel. How can I bring this sense of openness and peacefulness home with me?
I compiled a daily home retreat schedule. My yidam directed me to be as specific as I could to build a realistic daily schedule that would fit my home life. What arose from this was the importance for me to complete the preliminary practices of 100,000 prostrations, 100,000 water offerings, 100,000 mandala offerings, and 100,000 Vajrasattva mantras that would enable me in the future to receive higher level empowerments. It became clear to me that completing the 100,000 preliminary practices was a part of the purification process that was needed to extricate myself from the cycle. And doing this was a pathway to becoming a Buddha, to save other living beings.
The world expanded for me as my self became smaller. Silence was non-silent. Time passed when there was no time. Being alone, I was not alone.
Advice to Others
Everyone’s journey is different. Do not use this story as a comparison for your spiritual retreat experience. We are all composed of different karmic conditions based on causality since beginningless time. You can think of it like a doctor who prescribes medicine. When you go to the doctor, do you expect to get the same medicine as the person before you? No. We each have different needs and require different medicines. I bow to the teachings of the Buddha, H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III to give each of us the medicine we need based on our karma. That is why cultivation is so important. This 30-day silent retreat provided a space for me to more clearly see what I needed to do to correct my own behavior, my shortcomings. I am learning to be patient with the process of purification and to be diligent in doing my daily dharma practice. It was shown to me that this understanding was essential for advancement and accomplishment on the path.
Something as simple as water offerings became a time for introspection, insight and joy. Observing the mind gallop around like a wild horse, or seeing the mind attach to a certain thought or worry is useful. Being aware is a step closer to being able to let go of the unskillful attachment and then experience a quiet mind. The retreat taught me that training the mind was part of the purification process. I learned not to be fooled into thinking that I knew something when I really did not know. I do not have the knowledge of a Buddha; therefore, I should not have the arrogance to pretend to know. That is just the illusion, a story I told myself.
Do not be a believer in appearances.
We each have our own spiritual karmic path. My purpose is to cultivate and purify myself every day, so that I can help and save living beings. I learned that opening of my heart and mind to the true Buddha Dharma of the Tathagata creates the conditions for following the path of bodhi and taking on the suffering of living beings.
Compassion has no limit.
Merit
I offer all the merit from my cultivation to all living beings so that they can become free from suffering.
I offer deep gratitude to H.H. Dorje Chang Buddha III and the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas who guide my practice and help me to correct my behavior.
October 2023
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